Pop Goes the Atmosphere

Things had been quiet for a weeek or two and I was getting into the habit of uninterrupted sleep – always a mistake. I had just rolled over, having noted that light was peering around the curtains, and was about to drift off when the telephone rang.

'Hello, Andrew,' I said.

'It's not too late is it?' he asked.

'No, I was planning to get up in about an hour,' I said.

'Look, I'mk just back from some late meetings. We've got to do something about the increase of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.'

'Andrew, I thought you knew that was all bad science and statistical mumbo-jumbo,' I said.

'Sorry. I'll rephrase that: “We've got to be seen to be doing something about carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.”'

'I get the picture, senator.'

'Any ideas?' he asked hopefully.

By chance, something had occurred to me in a café earlier in the week.

'You'd really like this issue to go away, wouldn't you?' I asked.

'We all would. Both parties.'

'Okay, what you need is someone to fight this battle for you. No one is listening to the small groups, and they haven't any money, either,' I said.

'You're right there,' Andrew agreed.

'You need a big organization with big money to launch a big campaign and expose the nonsense.'

'Right again,' he said. 'Who have you got in mind?'

I took a deep breath.

'Coca-Cola.'

There was no reply.

'I think you're breaking up,' Andrew said.

'Coca-Cola,' I repeated. 'And Pepsi, and 7-Up and all the others.'

'Er, why, commander?'

'Because they are the leading manufacturers of carbon dioxide. Everytime a kid opens a can of soa, the CO₂ level goes up. What's more, this isn't natural carbon dioxide, it's manufactured. If their protests don't work and kill the issue, then, it's taxable.'

'Keep talking,' Andrew said.

'The carbon dioxide in soft drinks has never been part of nature, so it's not being naturally released as from a fossile fuel. It's no more dangerous, but it didn't exist until shortly before it was forced into a can.'

Andrew remained silent.

'Does this apply to mineral water?'

'Only to the mineral water that isn't naturally gaseous,' I said, adding, 'Mercifully, it doesn't apply to champagne.'

'Arguably it does,' Andrew said, 'because the CO₂ wouldn't form unless those ingredients were brought together.'

'True, but it's not like soft drinks that are force fed the stuff. Besides, champagne is already taxed.'

He considered this.

'So what do I do?' he asked.

'Introduce legislation to require all soft drink manufacturers to find a CO₂ alternative within five years,' I said. 'Better still, get someone else to do it and curl up and watch the fun.'

Heat and Hate

'What's the weather like?' Andrew asked without saying hello.

'I can't tell, it's dark,' I said, picking up the lamp I'd knocked over on the way to the telephone.

'I mean do you think it's getting any warmer? Or colder?' he asked.

'Is this a global warming question?' I asked.

Silence.

'Yes,' he said eventually. 'It is.'

'And you're asking me?'

'I wanted some reliable opinions.'

'Andrew, you have access to the best kept weather records in the world. You can see anything you want.'

'Yes, but - '

'But what?'

'None of data make sense,' he said.

'Why?'

'It depends too much on the selection you choose,' Andrew said. 'I want to get this right. We're about to spend billions on trying to do something about it.'

'Don't bother,' I said.

'What?'

'Don't bother. The Antarctic ice is getting thicker, reversing a 6,000 year old trend; some glaciers are melting, but others are growing; we could just be coming out of a mini-ice age. You remember Mr Kappelman going on about that at Adams Hall.'

'Yeah, I do,' Andrew agreed.

'What was the other thing he was always saying?' I challenged.

'That data of even a thousand years wasn't enough to interpret geology - and by implication, weather patterns.'

He said this grudgingly, but he had remembered correctly.

'So what's your conclusion?'

'That there isn't enough data. That we couldn't do much anyway,' he said.

'That's about the size of it, but it doesn't mean we should de-forest the planet or pump too many toxic chemicals into the atmosphere or into our water supplies.'

'These aren't the answers people want to hear,' Andrew said. 'We keep getting hit with the fact that we're the world's largest energy consumer.'

'The US is also the world's largest manufacturer,' I said. 'Twenty percent of everything that is made is made in America. Of course we're going to consume more than 5% of the energy. But that doesn't give us license to waste resources - though there's enough natural gas in America for the next 600 years, and enough coal for thousands. Making fuels like methane, alcohol and so are easy, too.'

'You make it sound like there's nothing to worry about,' Andrew said.

'No, there's a lot to worry about: bad science, politicians rewriting results - like they did with the asbestos report, and the IPCC document in 1995. There's danger in politicians strangling the economies of the world and de-railing development in poor countries because of some mistaken ideas about the ecosystem.'

'If I vote against these measures, I could lose my seat.'

'Sounds like you've got to get some help educating the public.'