Pop Goes the Atmosphere

Things had been quiet for a weeek or two and I was getting into the habit of uninterrupted sleep – always a mistake. I had just rolled over, having noted that light was peering around the curtains, and was about to drift off when the telephone rang.

'Hello, Andrew,' I said.

'It's not too late is it?' he asked.

'No, I was planning to get up in about an hour,' I said.

'Look, I'mk just back from some late meetings. We've got to do something about the increase of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.'

'Andrew, I thought you knew that was all bad science and statistical mumbo-jumbo,' I said.

'Sorry. I'll rephrase that: “We've got to be seen to be doing something about carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.”'

'I get the picture, senator.'

'Any ideas?' he asked hopefully.

By chance, something had occurred to me in a café earlier in the week.

'You'd really like this issue to go away, wouldn't you?' I asked.

'We all would. Both parties.'

'Okay, what you need is someone to fight this battle for you. No one is listening to the small groups, and they haven't any money, either,' I said.

'You're right there,' Andrew agreed.

'You need a big organization with big money to launch a big campaign and expose the nonsense.'

'Right again,' he said. 'Who have you got in mind?'

I took a deep breath.

'Coca-Cola.'

There was no reply.

'I think you're breaking up,' Andrew said.

'Coca-Cola,' I repeated. 'And Pepsi, and 7-Up and all the others.'

'Er, why, commander?'

'Because they are the leading manufacturers of carbon dioxide. Everytime a kid opens a can of soa, the CO₂ level goes up. What's more, this isn't natural carbon dioxide, it's manufactured. If their protests don't work and kill the issue, then, it's taxable.'

'Keep talking,' Andrew said.

'The carbon dioxide in soft drinks has never been part of nature, so it's not being naturally released as from a fossile fuel. It's no more dangerous, but it didn't exist until shortly before it was forced into a can.'

Andrew remained silent.

'Does this apply to mineral water?'

'Only to the mineral water that isn't naturally gaseous,' I said, adding, 'Mercifully, it doesn't apply to champagne.'

'Arguably it does,' Andrew said, 'because the CO₂ wouldn't form unless those ingredients were brought together.'

'True, but it's not like soft drinks that are force fed the stuff. Besides, champagne is already taxed.'

He considered this.

'So what do I do?' he asked.

'Introduce legislation to require all soft drink manufacturers to find a CO₂ alternative within five years,' I said. 'Better still, get someone else to do it and curl up and watch the fun.'